Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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