peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had to cum in my sink.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
