Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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