Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
