I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
