I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
