I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
