I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
