i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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