So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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