I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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