you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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