Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
