i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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