I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
