Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
