We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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