Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Two words: nipple clamps
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