I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
