and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
