my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
