On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
