I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
