thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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