Someone shit on the floor
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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