I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
