I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
