you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
