I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
