Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
