all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
