I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
