i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
