I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
