I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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