peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
