Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
sarcasm needs its own font
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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