Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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