he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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