wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
