She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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