his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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