So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
