There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
