The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
