I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
