Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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