I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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