It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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