Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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