If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
