I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
