wanna go halves on a baby?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
