Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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