apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
