She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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