I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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