I'm so fucking centered right now
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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